What Would They do For A Klondike Bar?
by Chibi Nazgul
Summary: Ever wonder what the GW cast would do for that oh so delicious frozen treat? Or what happens when Heero's on a sugar high...
1. In the Beggining

Shinigami's Angel (SA): Hello and welcome to my first published story, fic, whatever the heck this thing from my brain is.  
  
Quatre: I believe it's called a 'fic' here. *is looking at 'Fanfiction.Net' on her browser window*  
  
SA: Does it look like I care? Why does everyone have to criticize my randomness?!?! I will have my revenge Winner!  
  
All: 0_o;  
  
SA: Anyways..  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. I don't own many things. Don't bother suing me cuz all I have is about 3 dollars in pennies. Is that enough to buy Duo?  
  
Duo: I feel. insulted.  
  
SA: But it's all I have! Other than., wait, never mind. I lost my mind a while ago.  
  
Wufei: Stupid onna. It's not as if you ever had one.  
  
SA: *glares* That was the biggest mistake you ever made.  
  
Trowa: I don't mean to be a nuisance, but shouldn't you be starting the fic now?  
  
SA: At least you're polite, unlike Mr. Know-it-all Quatre..  
  
Quatre: Hey!  
What Would Heero do For a Klondike Bar?  
  
SA: HEEEEEERO!!!!!!*is imitating Dorlain Relena¹* Want a Klondike Bar?!?!?! *waves it around in Heero's face*  
  
Heero: ...  
  
SA: Uh, Heero, you're supposed to say 'yes.'  
  
Heero: Hn.  
  
SA: You need speech therapy..  
  
Heero: o_o *points gun at SA's head*  
  
SA: *takes gun away and turns to readers* While Heero receives speech therapy, we'll continue with the other pilots.. *eats Heero's Klondike Bar*  
  
What Would Duo do For a Klondike Bar?  
  
SA: Duo! What'll you do for a Klondike Bar?  
  
Duo: Blackmail ^-^  
  
SA: *gets slightly nervous* Uh. What're you talking about?.....  
  
Duo: *whispers something in SA's ear*  
  
SA: Deafeat. *hands Duo the Klondike Bar*  
  
Duo: *eats Klondike Bar like a starved, ravenous chipmunk* ^-^ Yummy  
  
SA: -_-; I'm never taking you to a candy factory again..  
  
Duo: But it was so much fun when- never mind.  
  
SA: *is holding scalpel to Duo's stomach* You no talk about what happened there, or else Klondike Bar, and anything else in your abdomen, go good- bye. Now to the next.interview!  
  
What Would Trowa do For a Klondike Bar?  
  
SA: *runs up to Trowa* ^_^ Cut it with your Almighty Uni-bang²!!!!!  
  
Trowa: '-_\\ Aren't I supposed to do something for it?  
  
SA: Who cares! Cut it with your bang!!! ^_^  
  
Trowa: *sigh* Might as well.. *slices Klondike Bar into many little pieces using his bang* ²  
  
SA: YAY!!!!!!!!! *runs around in hyperactive cheerful manner, then hits a wall* Oww...  
  
What Would Kitty Quatre do For a Klondike Bar?  
  
SA: =^..^= Wanna Klondike Bar, Kitty?  
  
Quatre: Why are you calling me Kitty when you're the one who's acting like a cat? I s this because I corrected you earlier?  
  
SA: Mrrow! So what'll you do for it, Kumquat?  
  
Quatre: -_-; you're really starting to aggravate me.  
  
SA: = P *pounces on Quatre, deliberately pushing his temper over the edge in an effort to get back at him*  
  
Quatre: 8 | *goes zero mode* STOP CALLING ME RANDOM NAMES AND GIVE ME THE GODDAMN KLONDIKE BAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *is strangling SA*  
  
SA: X-X *hands Quatre the Klondike Bar*  
  
All other characters: O_O  
  
Quatre: =^..^= *dunks Klondike Bar in tea & eats it*  
  
Duo: That's just creepy..  
  
SA: *is scared beyond all reason* ....  
  
What Would Wu-bear Who's Not a Fuzzy Panda Bear In Poofy Pants Despite All Beliefs³ And Who Does Strange Things After Drinking Mountain Dew? Do For a Klondike Bar?  
  
Wufei: And I suppose I deserved that unjust title?  
  
SA: Yup.  
  
Wu-bear: Damn onna.  
  
SA: *musically* What would you do for a Klondike Bar? *end music-ness*  
  
Wu-bear: -_-;  
  
SA: Would you bark like a dog?  
  
*~*~*~*Suddenly, Heero bursts in, back from speech therapy. The other Gundam characters scamble to try and find handcuffs, duct tape, and ear plugs.*~*~*~*  
  
Heero: Barkarfwoof!Sugarsugarmusthavesugartcuzitsreallyyummyheysanicehairwhendidyou dyeitpurpleohmygodwufeiiloveyourpantsohwaityounameswubearnowisntitheyduodoyo uhaveanyblackmailtomakesagimmethyatklondkiebar....*continues motor-mouthing about anything and everything*  
  
All: O_o *fall over and die*  
  
~~~~~~~~Chapter One End~~~~~~~~  
  
*Heero is heard in background*  
  
SA: So when do you think he'll stop; talking?  
  
Duo: Have you ever heard of cruel and unusual punishment?!?!?!  
  
SA: No, what is it?  
  
All: *headvault*  
  
SA: No, really. I don't know.  
  
All: *stare, then walk away slowly, then run like madmen*  
  
SA: Who is widespread panic? And why do they keep following me?!?!  
  
*silence*  
  
SA: Anyways, please R & R. Suggestions will always be taken for the next victim- err, candidates.  
  
As to the numbers occasionally placed throughout this chapter:  
  
Dorlain Relena is a reference to Relena's personality at the time she was Relena Dorlain. Incredibly stupid. Trowa's alimighty unibang! You know, his hairstyle thingy.if you can truly call it a style. It's more of a statement. Nevermind, I have no idea what I'm talking about. Wu-bear is a nickname me and one of my friends came up with for Wufei. Don't know how, just did. So I had fun elaborating. Nice, ain't it? ^_^ If you've ever read 'The Reurn of Mountain Dew Man' you'll know what I'm talking about. Otherwise, you might be able to find it on anipike.com's Gundam Wing fanfiction listings. You'll have to search pretty hard, though. 


	2. WORLD DOMINATION!

SA: ^_^ Reviews! And they're positive.  
  
Duo: Yeah, didn't expect that for the creations of you're screwed up mind.  
  
SA: = P Shove it.  
  
Duo: Shove what where?  
  
Wufei: -_-;  
  
SA: I could think of many things for you to shove in many places.  
  
Wufei: *gets nosebleed*  
  
Others: O_o  
  
SA: Anyways. Here's chapter 2, in which I victimize other characters from GW.  
  
Relena: I didn't agree to that. *is reading piece of half demolished paper that happens to be script*  
  
SA: You signed a contract! And I've stolen your soul, but that's besides the point.  
  
Heero: Whatreyougonnadotoherheywiatwhyamistillspeedtalkingdidyouknowthatmarshamllow peepsaregoingtotakeovertheworldwhysthereacatonmyheadheywufeimaybeyoushouldst opthatnosebleed.....  
  
All: *headvault*  
  
What Would Relena Dorlain do for A Klondike Bar?  
  
SA: Lena! Whatcha gonna do for the Klondike Bar?  
  
Relena Dorlain(RD): I'll make all my zombified friends worship you the same way they do me. ^^  
  
SA: *thinks* That's good enough, I suppose. *throws bar at RD*  
  
*RD's zombie friends begin worshipping SA*  
  
SA: Cool. *makes plan to take over world using RD's friends*  
  
What would Queen Relena do For A Klondike Bar?  
  
SA: Hey, royal pain, what'll you do for a Klondike Bar?  
  
Queen Relena(QR): I'll make you co-leader of the world.  
  
SA: I already have a zombie army, and you don't control the world any more.  
  
QR: *goes insane* Why did they take it away?!?!?! Bastards! I'll have my revenge! ACK! *is attacked by zombie army*  
  
SA: Good little minions. *eats QR's Klondike Bar*  
  
What Would Government Relena(GR) do For A Klondike Bar?  
  
SA: Vice Foreign Minister Dorlain! What would you do for a Klondike Bar?  
  
GR: World Peace!!!  
  
SA: Isn't there already world peace?...  
  
GR: *mutters* Never satisfied with my accomplishments, ungrateful wretch. *to SA* How about I establish universal peace?  
  
SA: When you've accomplished that, you can have the Klondike Bar.  
  
GR: *takes off in spaceship to attempt universal peace*  
  
SA: Good luck! *to self* Good, not all the important ones are gone. Wolrd Domination, here I come! *runs off to zombie army headquaters*  
  
What Would Dorothy Do For A Klondike Bar? *shudder*  
  
*at zombie army headquarters*  
  
Dorothy: Alright, where are my wat mongering Klondike Bars?!  
  
SA: *looks up* Our defenses have been breached! Let's go shopping! ^_^  
  
Dorothy: I challenge you, the winner receives the Klondike Bar! *points rapier to SA's throat*  
  
SA: meep. Umm, why don't I just forfeit and give you the battle inspiring desert?  
  
Dorothy: Good enough. *takes Klondike Bar* SA: *turns to zombie* Increase defenses! I hate those cockroach eyebrows of hers.  
  
Zombie Soldier: Yes, oh worshipped Angel of Shinigami.  
  
SA: Gotta love it. ^_^  
  
What Would Hilde do For A Klondike Bar? ((Note: As a Duo fan, worshipper, and anti-Hilde club founder, this will contain HIlde bashing. Maybe killing.))  
  
SA: *is recruiting non-zombie soldiers*  
  
Hilde: *walks up* Hey, SA. I heard you were giving out Klondike Bars.  
  
SA: They're not free.  
  
Hilde: How about I tell Duo that I'm breaking up with him?  
  
SA: And he thinks you're going out with him?  
  
Hilde: Of course. I'm the love of his life. *thought* Unlike you, evil witch. *end thought*  
  
SA: Yeah, sure.  
  
Hilde: *death glare* I am the love of Duo's life!  
  
SA: And I'm the queen of Scotland.  
  
Hilde: YOU!!!!!!!!! *attacks SA*  
  
SA: *goes into Diablo 2 Lord of Destruction Mode * DIE EVIL MINION OF SATAN!!! *uses various claw class weapons to butcher Hilde into spam- likeness*  
  
Duo: *walks up* How's the recruitment going? *sees spam-like Hilde* What's that? It's gross.  
  
SA: It's SPAM! *pulls out can of SPAM* Except not made of meat byproducts.  
  
Duo: Then what is it. Nevermind. I probably don't want to know.*walks away*  
  
SA: *cackles* A major obstacle has been overcome! The destruction of Hilde- bitch!  
  
What Would Sally do For A Klondike Bar?  
  
SA: Sally!  
  
Sally: Yes?  
  
SA: I need a medic for my ever-growing zombie army that's going to take over the world  
  
Sally: And how will you pay me to take care of those things? *pushes one out a window, which lands with a thud and 'must worship SA.'*  
  
SA: I'll give you a Klondike Bar!  
  
Sally: *stares* It has chocolate. *drools and lunges for it*  
  
SA: Medic, check! *continues with world domination plans* What Would Cathrine do For A Klondike Bar?  
  
Cathrine: *is performing tight-rope/knife-throwing act*  
  
SA: Hey Cathy!  
  
Cathrine: *falls off wire* -_-; What SA? How is a circus going to help you dominate the world?  
  
SA: Well, I figure that even zombies ned entertainment, and my army hasn't been to one of Relena's parties in a while. So the circus is the next best thing.  
  
Cathrine: So you're going to pay us in Klondike Bars?  
  
SA: Yes. ^_^ *waves to truck, which backs up and dumps insanely large amount of Klondike Bars in center ring*  
  
Circus People: *drool* Chocolate and ice cream. *attack Klondike Bars*  
  
SA: Entertainment, check! *walks out after videotaping Cathrine wrestling a lion for a Klondike Bar*  
  
Later in SA's Headquarters.  
  
Quatre: So why are we assisting your zombie army and taking over the world?  
  
SA: Because we can. And you get new gundam! *points to shiny new custom gundams in hangar*  
  
Heero: Wing.. *drools over his gundam*  
  
SA: What is it with people and drooling?  
  
*Heero runs out and begins bonding with his gundam. A.K.A. self detonating*  
  
Duo, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei: -_-; Not again.  
  
SA: DAMN YOU HEERO YUY!!!!! That device can only be used once. Oh well, not more self detonating for suicide boy.  
  
Pilots: *stare*  
  
SA: And no, I still don't know the meaning of cruel and unusual punishment. Now go bond with your machines.  
  
*pilots run out to bond with gundams as follows:  
  
Quatre: *drinks tea while looking at Sandrock cevered with shitting flamingoes*  
  
Trowa: *plays dress up and puts Heavyarms into pink tutu*  
  
Wufei: *talks to Nataku about injustice. Nataku agrees*  
  
Heero: *attempts to re-install self detonator*  
  
Duo: *Him and Deathscythe climb Empire State building pretending to be King Kong*  
  
*end bonding*  
  
World History Books Next Year.  
  
World Ruler: Shinigami's Angel Advisors: Heero Yuy Duo Maxwell, A.K.A. Shinigami Trowa Barton, A.K.A. Triton Bloom after DNA testing Quatre Winner, head of Winner Ent. Chang Wufei and Nataku(his gundam)  
  
Global Army: Zombies Global Navy: trained marine life Global Airforce: Penguins Global Coastguard: Dolphins and great white sharks Global Police: wiener dogs and alligators Global Medical thingy.: Sally Po and trained aardvarks Global Other crap: Purple Cows  
  
***All the Above Applies To Colonies as Well  
  
And that's All Folks!  
  
SA: Well, that was fun.  
  
Duo: I trained weiner dogs and alligators!  
  
Heero: Baka.  
  
Duo: What? You trained the aardvarks!  
  
SA: *headvault*  
  
Wufei: That's not right.  
  
Sally: I'm the one working with aardvarks! *tries to kill Wufei, screaming about injustice*  
  
Dorlain Relena: And I'm to blame for all this.  
  
World: *attacks Dorlain Relena* 


End file.
